[::..change..::]
Exam periods always bring about the stress, the desire to succeed, as well as the fear of failure. During this period of time, paranoia runs the show. Going to bed is usually somewhat of a serene trip to dreamland. But lately it's become a surreal trip of reality. I toss and turn at night, dreaming of a series of unfortunate events that might occur if the world turn against me.
Change, is something that cannot be held back. It's something that should be looked forward to. But i do not do change well at all. I like how things are they way they are. Everything has its own place and it's own time, even love. But once again, in the real world, i have very little say over the changes in life, much less control over them. Perhaps this is why mere mortals like us crave power, power that is way too much for one man t0 be responsible for. Perhaps this is why people dream of stopping time, going back in time, changing what has already happened to create a world where things are predictable and safe, catering it like a dinner party, right to the finest detail.
In this life, everything is unpredictable. Looking back my heart always seem to fill up with regret. I often question myself, arguing for the day that i could focus only on the good and not dwell on the bad. But more often than not, i find myself blaming me for all the mistakes i've made in the past, dragging those whom i love with all my heart down the tunnel of sadness and darkness. Being positive is something that should be practiced till we could achieve it each time with perfection. It is something that could make all our lives so much easier and allows for more happiness to embrace ourselves in. but perfection can never be achieved as we ourselves, are imperfect individuals, surrounded by our obsessions and our overpowering negative emotions.
I've come a long way from depression, but sometimes it still hits me like a ton of bricks. In days like these, all i want to is to escape from the world, stop time, and perhaps cry a little bit. My fears tend to eat me up alive, instead of reaching out for love and help, i choose to lie through my teeth, faking a happy smile, and lock up my real feelings in a dungeon within. All these effort to remain somewhat normal, somewhat sane, and somewhat acceptable to those around me. But at times, i know i need an outlet without judgment, one that could allow me to just unleash those negative emotions within of me, one that would allow me to say what i truly feel without the fear of repercussion.
Things are always unpredictable, and i've always been more fearful of my own life than alot of other people. i hate being in vulnerable situations where i have to let go of my pride and ask for someone's help. I hate losing control of my own body, of my own life. I hate not being able to dictate to myself exactly what i want myself to do for that day. Perhaps that is why i am such a pain when im sick. Being in the position that i am in now, worrying that i might have to go to the hospital for surgery, the thought of going under scares me more than my out of control life. Being resistance to anesthesia isn't something to be taken lightly for as it means more things might go wrong for myself as compared to what is normal. The worst part about it is that i know eventually all of us, every single one of us, would end up in the hospital at some point of our lives. Having very little money, and no family members around hurts me more than anything in this world if i had to face something as dire as surgery. Relying on friends or even boyfriend is something i have to learn to depend on. But the voice deep within my mind tells me if something does happen to me, i would be asking them for help, putting them in a difficult position for something that was solely my responsibility.
growing up is not as fun as i had envisioned when i was a child. I had the innocence of a child back then, the world seemed to be a perfect place for me to exist in. Life held its meaning, and positive messages were the only messages that could get to me. But the older we get, the more responsibility lies upon our shoulders, the more judgement of others get to us, and the lesser postive messages could get to us. Walking through this world with shoulders of burden, is any among us adults truly 100% happy? have we ever experience a 100% happy day with our subconscious feeling the exact same way? Would we ever get to the point where we could really be truly happy? Happily ever after? Where's my role in the fairytale of reality? Am i going to be one of the lucky princesses? or would i end up as a wicked witch, or even collateral damage?
i miss my family, with all my heart. i miss my mother, i miss the safety that family could bring to every one of us. I miss the safety net of love and care that have been protecting me from the harsh reality of adulthood. There are days that i am just devastated by my loneliness, and there are days that i am consumed by my responsibilities, and there are days that i am embraced by all my deepest fears. But through all of these bad days, i have yet to experience the pure joy and safety that i had felt before living under the roof of family, being surrounded by the love that my mother had for me. Distance changes everything, it makes you strong because it forces you to realize your weakness, your vulnerability, your fears. It takes away alot of what's good in your life and swap it for emotions that you would wish you didn't had to go through it all alone. Nothing is more powerful and protective than a mother's love for her child. And once the circle of embrace is broken by distance, a child would feel the loss that she once taken for granted.
so here is my confession. I feel like a failure, i feel lonely, i feel sad, i feel weak. They always tell me the first step is acknowledgment. But acknowledging it really does nothing but makes me feel more of the way i do. The next step is fixing it. But how can i fix it when no individual I've met can truly understand how i really feel? How do i fix something like lonliness?
sometimes i wish i was a child again, and that i would always be, where change doesn't get to me, and my loved ones to always be around me. forever.
Change, is something that cannot be held back. It's something that should be looked forward to. But i do not do change well at all. I like how things are they way they are. Everything has its own place and it's own time, even love. But once again, in the real world, i have very little say over the changes in life, much less control over them. Perhaps this is why mere mortals like us crave power, power that is way too much for one man t0 be responsible for. Perhaps this is why people dream of stopping time, going back in time, changing what has already happened to create a world where things are predictable and safe, catering it like a dinner party, right to the finest detail.
In this life, everything is unpredictable. Looking back my heart always seem to fill up with regret. I often question myself, arguing for the day that i could focus only on the good and not dwell on the bad. But more often than not, i find myself blaming me for all the mistakes i've made in the past, dragging those whom i love with all my heart down the tunnel of sadness and darkness. Being positive is something that should be practiced till we could achieve it each time with perfection. It is something that could make all our lives so much easier and allows for more happiness to embrace ourselves in. but perfection can never be achieved as we ourselves, are imperfect individuals, surrounded by our obsessions and our overpowering negative emotions.
I've come a long way from depression, but sometimes it still hits me like a ton of bricks. In days like these, all i want to is to escape from the world, stop time, and perhaps cry a little bit. My fears tend to eat me up alive, instead of reaching out for love and help, i choose to lie through my teeth, faking a happy smile, and lock up my real feelings in a dungeon within. All these effort to remain somewhat normal, somewhat sane, and somewhat acceptable to those around me. But at times, i know i need an outlet without judgment, one that could allow me to just unleash those negative emotions within of me, one that would allow me to say what i truly feel without the fear of repercussion.
Things are always unpredictable, and i've always been more fearful of my own life than alot of other people. i hate being in vulnerable situations where i have to let go of my pride and ask for someone's help. I hate losing control of my own body, of my own life. I hate not being able to dictate to myself exactly what i want myself to do for that day. Perhaps that is why i am such a pain when im sick. Being in the position that i am in now, worrying that i might have to go to the hospital for surgery, the thought of going under scares me more than my out of control life. Being resistance to anesthesia isn't something to be taken lightly for as it means more things might go wrong for myself as compared to what is normal. The worst part about it is that i know eventually all of us, every single one of us, would end up in the hospital at some point of our lives. Having very little money, and no family members around hurts me more than anything in this world if i had to face something as dire as surgery. Relying on friends or even boyfriend is something i have to learn to depend on. But the voice deep within my mind tells me if something does happen to me, i would be asking them for help, putting them in a difficult position for something that was solely my responsibility.
growing up is not as fun as i had envisioned when i was a child. I had the innocence of a child back then, the world seemed to be a perfect place for me to exist in. Life held its meaning, and positive messages were the only messages that could get to me. But the older we get, the more responsibility lies upon our shoulders, the more judgement of others get to us, and the lesser postive messages could get to us. Walking through this world with shoulders of burden, is any among us adults truly 100% happy? have we ever experience a 100% happy day with our subconscious feeling the exact same way? Would we ever get to the point where we could really be truly happy? Happily ever after? Where's my role in the fairytale of reality? Am i going to be one of the lucky princesses? or would i end up as a wicked witch, or even collateral damage?
i miss my family, with all my heart. i miss my mother, i miss the safety that family could bring to every one of us. I miss the safety net of love and care that have been protecting me from the harsh reality of adulthood. There are days that i am just devastated by my loneliness, and there are days that i am consumed by my responsibilities, and there are days that i am embraced by all my deepest fears. But through all of these bad days, i have yet to experience the pure joy and safety that i had felt before living under the roof of family, being surrounded by the love that my mother had for me. Distance changes everything, it makes you strong because it forces you to realize your weakness, your vulnerability, your fears. It takes away alot of what's good in your life and swap it for emotions that you would wish you didn't had to go through it all alone. Nothing is more powerful and protective than a mother's love for her child. And once the circle of embrace is broken by distance, a child would feel the loss that she once taken for granted.
so here is my confession. I feel like a failure, i feel lonely, i feel sad, i feel weak. They always tell me the first step is acknowledgment. But acknowledging it really does nothing but makes me feel more of the way i do. The next step is fixing it. But how can i fix it when no individual I've met can truly understand how i really feel? How do i fix something like lonliness?
sometimes i wish i was a child again, and that i would always be, where change doesn't get to me, and my loved ones to always be around me. forever.
JR - 5:50 PM
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sometimes i really need to pull myself out of this depression cloud that follows me everywhere i go. I need to embrace life with more enthusiasm and i need to understand that life doesn't suck all the time.
I need to cherish the moments i have with my loved ones, my man, my dog, my friends. I need to believe in myself and how i can make the change happen.
smile, and the world would smile back at you, jezs...
I need to cherish the moments i have with my loved ones, my man, my dog, my friends. I need to believe in myself and how i can make the change happen.
smile, and the world would smile back at you, jezs...
JR - 11:40 AM
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
[::..word therapy..::]
i thought that perhaps if i wrote down what i feel, i might start to feel better. there are tons of things that i feel ashamed and guilty of that i do not share with those who i love. It's a pride issue and i can't seem to get rid of it.
i have been stupid and i hope i would get a second/third chance at proving myself. it's hard to admit defeat, esp when i had no excuse. I have been so lucky compared to alot of other people. and i have yet to fully be appreciative of the chances i've got, until im facing a huge prospect of losing it.
there are so many things i have to get done today... sometimes i wish i could love the country that i was born in, but i don't. well not as much as i do in ottawa.
this isn't working out, this therapy thing. anyhow, im out for now... hope i would feel better soon.
i have been stupid and i hope i would get a second/third chance at proving myself. it's hard to admit defeat, esp when i had no excuse. I have been so lucky compared to alot of other people. and i have yet to fully be appreciative of the chances i've got, until im facing a huge prospect of losing it.
there are so many things i have to get done today... sometimes i wish i could love the country that i was born in, but i don't. well not as much as i do in ottawa.
this isn't working out, this therapy thing. anyhow, im out for now... hope i would feel better soon.
JR - 10:13 PM
Monday, July 07, 2008
Sometimes love can be such a confusing thing. It is an emotion that can take you to the highest part of heaven, to the deepest depths of hell. It can bring out the best in one person, and the very second, the worst. misconceptions, misunderstanding, miscommunications are the very language of love. and it's hard to fully accept the flaws to this amazing concept called love.
Loving someone takes so much out of one person. Sometimes i feel like i am not going to be able to keep my head above water, but at times when i think about the great amazing parts to our relationship, i hold on to dear life. I have to learn to believe, trust and be optimistic, to be patient, loving, and strong, to be independent yet dependent, to have to strength to let go, and hold on.
so much hurt and anger have occured that have resulted in us being the way that we are. I need to be healed...
Loving someone takes so much out of one person. Sometimes i feel like i am not going to be able to keep my head above water, but at times when i think about the great amazing parts to our relationship, i hold on to dear life. I have to learn to believe, trust and be optimistic, to be patient, loving, and strong, to be independent yet dependent, to have to strength to let go, and hold on.
so much hurt and anger have occured that have resulted in us being the way that we are. I need to be healed...
JR - 5:16 AM
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Disappointment creates a sense of withdrawal, and that sense tends to push me over the edge in terms of isolation. I am speechless for once. No more attempts to try and fight my way through with my verbal warfare, no more attempts to try and look right while standing my ground.
His words stabbed me like a knife through my heart when he first revealed that walking away was an option that he might consider. It hurts to know someone you love with all of your heart and soul would consider a life worth living without you by their side. Truth hurts, as brutal as it stings, it's the plain ol honest truth. At least i got that from him.
surprisingly i am not upset. I am not mad or angry. Replacing those usual feelings, are a sense of loss, an overwhelming feeling of dejection, and finally, sadness due to the unhappiness foreseen.
Life as usual have proven that it is not a smooth ride, and love have shown that it is not a bed of roses. Bon Jovi made me believe that true love was one that you know when you love, one that you can never forget, much less leave behind, that it was a bed of roses. Well, i thought i finally found true love, and that he was the love of my life, he still evokes those feelings within of me. However, i know as the feelings of insecurities amplifies, my heart would break a little more each time.
Should it be this hard? SHould it be this easily breakable? A question of theory proved to be our foundation weakness, proving that it needed very little for it to break. And from our talks during the past two days, i now know exactly what would drive him away, and leaving me with heavy responsibilities and a shattered heart...
His words stabbed me like a knife through my heart when he first revealed that walking away was an option that he might consider. It hurts to know someone you love with all of your heart and soul would consider a life worth living without you by their side. Truth hurts, as brutal as it stings, it's the plain ol honest truth. At least i got that from him.
surprisingly i am not upset. I am not mad or angry. Replacing those usual feelings, are a sense of loss, an overwhelming feeling of dejection, and finally, sadness due to the unhappiness foreseen.
Life as usual have proven that it is not a smooth ride, and love have shown that it is not a bed of roses. Bon Jovi made me believe that true love was one that you know when you love, one that you can never forget, much less leave behind, that it was a bed of roses. Well, i thought i finally found true love, and that he was the love of my life, he still evokes those feelings within of me. However, i know as the feelings of insecurities amplifies, my heart would break a little more each time.
Should it be this hard? SHould it be this easily breakable? A question of theory proved to be our foundation weakness, proving that it needed very little for it to break. And from our talks during the past two days, i now know exactly what would drive him away, and leaving me with heavy responsibilities and a shattered heart...
JR - 8:12 PM
Saturday, March 08, 2008
call me jealous or something, but it feels awfully lonesome in this room. A feeling almost identical to that of my empty apartment, soul less and silence.
Outside of this room, many people are seated around the living room, enjoying a good movie experience. Have you ever had the feeling f being out of place? A feeling that you are among people who doesn't know you, or much less cares about your well being. Among faceless people with fake enthusiasm, the atmosphere is nothing but intrusive and uncomfortable. The sad part is, i feel like i am the intruder, even though among the faceless souls my good friend and my love sits like nothing seems to be wrong.
Yes i may have a problem being among these people by myself, like a naked newborn vulnerable to the invisible attack of self worth and confidence. I know i don't belong to their clique and i doubt i will ever be able to, or want to. It's so hard to be among people whom you can't be comfortable with, or laugh and cry with. It's so hard keeping up a pretense to be someone i am not. And the failure in letting my love understand the situation i am in is rather frustrating. i know i only come across as a crazy idiot, who only makes situations worse....
uggh... perhaps i am jealous. but i should be the one snuggling with him, its hard to get him to do anything with me because of our schedules with the computer. And when we finally do get to watch something together, we do it among friends, or just before we go to bed, dead tired, and asleep within minutes.
well, perhaps i am jealous. but then again, once in awhile, i should get the chance to be jealous. It doesn't hit me often, but when it does, the feeling sucks. lonesomeness, and silence kills me at this point. I want to reach out to someone, but no one is there to take my hand.
it's 12 am, i am leaving tomorrow, what are the chances that onight would be a good night? a meaningful night, a night of joy and happiness? Last night was terrible, we fought, and the anger consumes me. Then sadness overcomes me. I was hurt, so was he. With great intentions, i had wanted to make last night memorable, but mishaps after mishaps kept happening, and nothing seems to go right. what started as something with good intentions behind it turned into something beyond my control. as usual, all i could think of was the need to run away and the hope of him coming after me. But finally, we resolved it.
Perhaps its because of my pms week that i am feeling all these emotions. All these thoughts that are in my head are damaging to my self esteem and my hope. I don't want to question anything, especially not something that has only been the most solid and amazing thing in my life. I don't want to bring upon my misery to someone that i love just because i am convinced that the feeligns within of me are getting more real with time.
Hearing laughter is supposed to be therapeutic, and contagious. But at this moment, in my state of misery, it is anything but that.
Out of sight, out of mind, thats is how i would describe my existence at this moment.
well... lets just hope that i am wrong, and i am silly to feel the way that i do.
i miss all of my closest friends, i miss home, i miss people that i love and care about. I miss you guys all so much. in this cold and miserable winter night, missing you guys is only making things so much harder. I want to be strong but something, i think all i want is to breakdown and cry. I miss having people that i can trust completely around me, people who makes the effort to listen to me, people who cares about me deep enough to want to make me better. over here, my bestfriend is my boyfriend, and i doubt he even knows that. he is the only one that i can trust my life to, a hundred percent. Mish is gone, even though i will always love her, and trust her, she isn't around anymore. and justine has more problems than i do, and i just don't feel right imposing my life on her. Vanessa is happy, and thats the way i want her to be, she is someone i feel i need to be protective about.
i hate winter. and at this moment, i hate being here. Writing helps, but only until i stop typing.
If only my world was more like WOW, being able to trans locate continents easily. I would be back home in a heartbeat, among bern, erinne, James, and all my good friends and family.
Grandma, it's been 49 days, and i still miss you like crazy. I still think i am going to see you when i get home, i still think that you are around. that nightmare a couple days ago, woke me up with tears on my face. It felt too real, only serving to highlight my loss. i miss you so much and i hope you are happy wherever you are...
JR
Outside of this room, many people are seated around the living room, enjoying a good movie experience. Have you ever had the feeling f being out of place? A feeling that you are among people who doesn't know you, or much less cares about your well being. Among faceless people with fake enthusiasm, the atmosphere is nothing but intrusive and uncomfortable. The sad part is, i feel like i am the intruder, even though among the faceless souls my good friend and my love sits like nothing seems to be wrong.
Yes i may have a problem being among these people by myself, like a naked newborn vulnerable to the invisible attack of self worth and confidence. I know i don't belong to their clique and i doubt i will ever be able to, or want to. It's so hard to be among people whom you can't be comfortable with, or laugh and cry with. It's so hard keeping up a pretense to be someone i am not. And the failure in letting my love understand the situation i am in is rather frustrating. i know i only come across as a crazy idiot, who only makes situations worse....
uggh... perhaps i am jealous. but i should be the one snuggling with him, its hard to get him to do anything with me because of our schedules with the computer. And when we finally do get to watch something together, we do it among friends, or just before we go to bed, dead tired, and asleep within minutes.
well, perhaps i am jealous. but then again, once in awhile, i should get the chance to be jealous. It doesn't hit me often, but when it does, the feeling sucks. lonesomeness, and silence kills me at this point. I want to reach out to someone, but no one is there to take my hand.
it's 12 am, i am leaving tomorrow, what are the chances that onight would be a good night? a meaningful night, a night of joy and happiness? Last night was terrible, we fought, and the anger consumes me. Then sadness overcomes me. I was hurt, so was he. With great intentions, i had wanted to make last night memorable, but mishaps after mishaps kept happening, and nothing seems to go right. what started as something with good intentions behind it turned into something beyond my control. as usual, all i could think of was the need to run away and the hope of him coming after me. But finally, we resolved it.
Perhaps its because of my pms week that i am feeling all these emotions. All these thoughts that are in my head are damaging to my self esteem and my hope. I don't want to question anything, especially not something that has only been the most solid and amazing thing in my life. I don't want to bring upon my misery to someone that i love just because i am convinced that the feeligns within of me are getting more real with time.
Hearing laughter is supposed to be therapeutic, and contagious. But at this moment, in my state of misery, it is anything but that.
Out of sight, out of mind, thats is how i would describe my existence at this moment.
well... lets just hope that i am wrong, and i am silly to feel the way that i do.
i miss all of my closest friends, i miss home, i miss people that i love and care about. I miss you guys all so much. in this cold and miserable winter night, missing you guys is only making things so much harder. I want to be strong but something, i think all i want is to breakdown and cry. I miss having people that i can trust completely around me, people who makes the effort to listen to me, people who cares about me deep enough to want to make me better. over here, my bestfriend is my boyfriend, and i doubt he even knows that. he is the only one that i can trust my life to, a hundred percent. Mish is gone, even though i will always love her, and trust her, she isn't around anymore. and justine has more problems than i do, and i just don't feel right imposing my life on her. Vanessa is happy, and thats the way i want her to be, she is someone i feel i need to be protective about.
i hate winter. and at this moment, i hate being here. Writing helps, but only until i stop typing.
If only my world was more like WOW, being able to trans locate continents easily. I would be back home in a heartbeat, among bern, erinne, James, and all my good friends and family.
Grandma, it's been 49 days, and i still miss you like crazy. I still think i am going to see you when i get home, i still think that you are around. that nightmare a couple days ago, woke me up with tears on my face. It felt too real, only serving to highlight my loss. i miss you so much and i hope you are happy wherever you are...
JR
JR - 11:46 PM
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
[::..The Season Of Winter..::]
The season of winter is a long drawn out process of agony. There seems to be nothing good about winter, except perhaps the nice scenic view it provides during the Christmas season. Canadian winters are as harsh as its reputation claim to be. And me, a sunny islander, find these winters to be a long drawn period of depression, pain, and unnecessary agony.
Snow may be a beautiful structure when looked under the microscope. It has inspired alot of artwork, hope and beauty. Yet something this beautiful can hurt your delicate body in a quick instant. The cold is an unimaginable pain to sunny islanders. The bitter winds pierce through your clothing, through your skin, and bite hard onto your bones. The feel of icy coldness on your hands and feet makes it difficult to walk, and all that your mind could think about is the unending miserable pain and ache that comes with the bitter coldness.
Boots are a necessity this cold and frigid landscape. I made the mistake of wearing sport shoes out to class today. A thick blanket of snow had already accumulated all over the ground, and more was falling from the skies above, with an intention to drown me in its misery. With each step that i take, i sink deep into the icy hell, only to get clusters of snow into my shoes. The pain was not unbearable, but it was definitely miserable. I have to walk through and over snowbanks of incredible heights. I also have to make sure that the next step that i take would not result in a icy fall of death. Snow on denim is worse than rain on the entire pair of jeans. And having a wet ass isn't necessary a very good fashion statement to make.
Unlike most Canadians who have mastered the art of falling with grace, sunny islanders like me have failed to acquire this important survival trait. I am like a newborn baby in heels when i make the mistake of wearing heels out in the winter season. Incapacitated, the frigid landscape attempts to bury me 6 feet under.
Well, I should stop bitching, and listen to Bern talk to me about her sunny escapades on the beautiful island of Singapore, where the temperature is suitable for human existence....
Snow may be a beautiful structure when looked under the microscope. It has inspired alot of artwork, hope and beauty. Yet something this beautiful can hurt your delicate body in a quick instant. The cold is an unimaginable pain to sunny islanders. The bitter winds pierce through your clothing, through your skin, and bite hard onto your bones. The feel of icy coldness on your hands and feet makes it difficult to walk, and all that your mind could think about is the unending miserable pain and ache that comes with the bitter coldness.
Boots are a necessity this cold and frigid landscape. I made the mistake of wearing sport shoes out to class today. A thick blanket of snow had already accumulated all over the ground, and more was falling from the skies above, with an intention to drown me in its misery. With each step that i take, i sink deep into the icy hell, only to get clusters of snow into my shoes. The pain was not unbearable, but it was definitely miserable. I have to walk through and over snowbanks of incredible heights. I also have to make sure that the next step that i take would not result in a icy fall of death. Snow on denim is worse than rain on the entire pair of jeans. And having a wet ass isn't necessary a very good fashion statement to make.
Unlike most Canadians who have mastered the art of falling with grace, sunny islanders like me have failed to acquire this important survival trait. I am like a newborn baby in heels when i make the mistake of wearing heels out in the winter season. Incapacitated, the frigid landscape attempts to bury me 6 feet under.
Well, I should stop bitching, and listen to Bern talk to me about her sunny escapades on the beautiful island of Singapore, where the temperature is suitable for human existence....
JR - 10:43 AM